clever minx

Solitary

I knew as soon as I had asked the question that it was wrong of me. I've always wondered in the back of my mind how he knew I wasn't the one for him. I suppose we all wonder this when something good has gone wrong. It's a conversation for dinner and beer, he told me... though I see no dinner and beer in our future. It is just like him to want to avoid me. Avoid situations in which he doesn't feel most comfortable... I suppose this is how I knew he wasn't the one for ME. And though I've tried to bury it and not think about it, I do realize it. I know it now. I've known it for a while.
Through my loneliness and self consumption I've come to appreciate the silence of solitary. I appreciate watching what I want on tv, listening to what I want on the radio, hanging out with my friends any night and knowing I'm not missing anything at "home". I love this life. This life with no one but me. But I do have to admit, I still think about what will be... what might have been. It creeps up on me now and again, and I shut it out until I open my big fat mouth and talk to him about it one more time..........

I wrote this a while ago after I had a certain conversation with a certain ex. I kept it on draft for a while, but at a certain point, I feel I need to post things to get them off my chest. Almost as if when I publish them, they leave my mind and stop bothering me. Here's to hoping that thoughts of loneliness elude me.

You keep telling me I'm beautiful
But I feel a little less so each time
Your love is so colorful
It flashes like a neon sign
But I finally drove out where
The sky is dark enough to see stars
And I found I missed no one
Just listening to the swishing of distant car-- Ani Difranco